Candy Unwrapped: A Recap of the Viral Showdown Between X’s Two Most Brutal Ruffians

I’m back from DC, still trying to recover from one of the strangest weekends of my adult life, and I pulled a transcribed recap of a no‑holds‑barred feud between two of the internet’s fiercest provocateurs out of drafts.

“I thought you hated Laura Loomer?”

No. I don’t, and never have. We had a falling out last year that prompted her to text-call me a cunt more than a dozen times, but I’m not vindictive and I don’t hold grudges. Plus, I can respect a mad woman’s tenacity when it comes to fighting deranged pundits promoting an upside-down world.

Only crazy can match crazy. No one besides Loomer is equipped for this battle.

She also brings receipts. So I don’t care who is funding whom. If forced to choose, I’ll always side with Laura over Candace.

Right now she appears to be juggling multiple investigations into Candace’s “secrets,” but primarily focused on digging up material that will aid the Macron’s in their defamation lawsuit, along with explicit mudslinging about Candace’s spouse and secret trust funds allegedly hiding millions in real estate assets.

The confrontation ignited last week and lasted three solid days. While the initial dust temporarily settled, Loomer is intent now on pursuing theories about why Candace and several like-minded podcasters suddenly dropped offline and reportedly fled the country amid news of the SPLC lawsuit.

I’m hearing Candace canceled her show again today without any explanation; Loomer insists the suspicious behavior is related to what might come exposed in this litigation.

“The SPLC allegedly engaged in a massive fraud operation to deceive their donors, enrich themselves, and hide their deceptive operations from the public,” Kash Patel said in an official statement. “They lied to their donors, vowing to dismantle violent extremist groups, and actually turned around and paid the leaders of these very extremist groups, even utilizing the funds to have these groups facilitate the commission of state and federal crimes. That is illegal, and this is an ongoing investigation against all individuals involved.”

It’s 6 p.m. and I’m headed to bed, but stay tuned for WHCD party reviews and photos, an exclusive interview with Substack’s CEO, a deep dive into plasma in relation to a stacking scientist body count, and a startling account of what it was like at the Hilton when a gunman interrupted Saturday night’s dinner.

Laura Loomer, April 17th, 9:16am

“You know who has the worst destiny? Candace Owens’ children. @RealCandaceO Imagine having that evil bitch as your mom. Poor kids. They will probably need serious therapy to deal with the long term social ramifications of having Candace as a mother. I wonder if she’s as cruel to her children as she is to Erika and her kids.”

The next day, Candace quotes the post

Candace Ownes, April 18th, 2:55pm

“How many children have you fathered, Larry?” (This is a reference to an internet conspiracy theory that Laura Loomer is a trans man named Larry.)

A swift reply comes in from Loomer

LL 3:02pm

“Zero, because I’m a woman. But my husband will likely father more children than your allegedly homosexual husband.

Did you use a turkey baster?

Who squeezed it?”

Candace doesn’t wait this time to respond

LL April 18th, 3:11pm

“A turkey baster? Larry, I really think your dad should put you on one more psych5150 hold. You just seem like you’re on the edge again lately. Maybe once more before the nuptials.

How’s the wedding planning going w. Andrew Simpson, btw?

Does he know you’re not actually Jewish?

Loomer comments back a video making her ring glitter in the light and correcting Candace’s assumption that they were still in the wedding planning phase by calling him her husband.

Loomer has the last word in that match. A new thread begins

LL 6:01pm

“Did you know that @RealCandaceO Candace Owens is allegedly a dual citizen?

Lots of hypocrisy from a woman who goes around calling people foreign agents…”

She attaches a page from the Macron v. Owens lawsuit as evidence.

Candace snaps back:

CO 6:43pm

Before she replies to anything else, she quotes a tweet from the day before with simple but poignant commentary.

But Loomer has other matters to attend to

LL 6:31pm

“Candace Why do you have two multi-million dollar homes in the same town?

Are you and George living separately?

Did you disclose these assets in your lawsuit with the Macrons?

Are you hiding assets to avoid being held accountable for your alleged defamation of France’s First Lady?

Should I keep going?

@EmmanuelMacron”

Candace turns to mockery.

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